TOP 10 OVERPOWERED POKEMON

It’s time for me to discover and learn the secrets of the pokemon realm, and what better way to do that than to explore the 10 of the most overpowered pokémon in existense, according to scientists, professors and their pokédex.

10. Magcargo

(See Pokemon Stats)

Magcargo’s body temperature is approximately 18,000 degrees F. Water is vaporized on contact. If this Pokémon is caught in the rain, the raindrops instantly turn into steam, cloaking the area in a thick fog. (Sapphire)

Okay – the surface of the sun is approximately 10,000 degrees F. Which means (*adjusts tie*) MAGCARGO IS NEARLY TWICE AS HOT AS THE SUN. You know that Smashmouth song, “Might As Well Be Walkin’ On The Sun?” That’s more realistic than being anywhere near Magcargo, since this lava slug thing is literally ALMOST TWICE AS HOT AS THE FREAKIN SUN. SOL, THE CENTER OF OUR SOLAR SYSTEM, IS PRETTY DAMN CHILLY COMPARED TO THIS SINGLE INDIVIDUAL POKEMON.

Although, just to test it out, we should probably send the members of Smashmouth to confirm.

9. Metang

(See Pokemon Stats)
It floats midair using magnetism. Its body is so tough, even a crash with a jet plane won’t leave a scratch. (FireRed) If a jet plane won’t leave a scratch after crashing into you, that’s coming very close to saying you’re completely invincible. But what’s more disturbing about this is that the entry indicates that jet planes hitting Metang and exploding is something that isn’t uncommon. And given that magnetism is a big part of its existence, it’s probably drawing those jet planes into it just because it can. Given jet planes typically fly at speeds of over 500 mph, weigh around 400,000 lbs., and have a fuel capacity of around 50,000 gallons, Metangs walking away without so much as a scratch is pretty horrifyingly powerful. So, ya know, maybe throw out something other than a big butterfly when fighting this thing.

8. Machamp

(See Pokemon Stats)
One arm alone can move mountains. Using all four arms, this Pokémon fires off awesome punches. (Yellow)

Its four ruggedly developed arms can launch a flurry of 1,000 punches in just two seconds. (FireRed)

Machamp is a strong-looking Pokemon – he’s got the bodybuilder physique, give or take a few arms; his natural pose is as if he wandered into an Arnold Schwarzenegger workout tape; and he’s confident in a speedo (which shows strength in self-confidence maybe?). But he’s so much stronger than his swole bod would suggest – each arm can move a mountain, meaning he could move four mountains at once (if they were all located really, really close together). And wait – each arm can launch 125 punches per second, meaning he could knock away 500 mountains per second (if they kept flying at him somehow). That’s impressive. REALLY impressive. Most Pokemon can’t punch a single mountain – let alone thousands per second. What’s even more impressive is that mountains still exist at all in the Pokemon world, since this had to have been tested at some point.

7. Alakazam

(See Pokemon Stats)

Alakazam’s brain continually grows, infinitely multiplying brain cells. This amazing brain gives this Pokémon an astoundingly high IQ of 5,000. It has a thorough memory of everything that has occurred in the world. (Sapphire)

Let’s break this one down a little:

Brain continually grows: Okay, no big deal – literally everyone’s brain is constantly growing and adding new brain cells. Nothing big here.

“Infinitely multiplaying brain cells”: Uh. Okay. ‘Infinitely’ is a strong word. ‘Infinitely multiplying’ is a really strong phrase, indicating that the brain cells are damn near infinite after a cycle or two. An infinite number of brain cells woud be, well, infinite. They would take up all known space, and then some. So let’s just assume this means “a whole bunch” and someone got carried away.

“IQ of 5,000”: The highest recorded IQ ever is 228. This knocks that out of the park by around 4,800 (which is a whole bunch). And given Pokemon probably shouldn’t be able to do well on a test designed by and for humans (you may remember that Pokemon have limited speech capabilities, essentially animal-slave versions of Hodor), it’s pretty crazy to imagine he has a higher IQ than the number of years Great Britain has existed.

“has a thorough memory of everything that has occurred in the world”: …damn. If this thing wasn’t so concerned with bending spoons all the time, they would probably rise up and take over the whole damn planet.

6. Gardevoir

(See Pokemon Stats)

Gardevoir has the psychokinetic power to distort the dimensions and create a small black hole. This Pokémon will try to protect its Trainer even at the risk of its own life. (Sapphire)

Listen, Gardevoir – we all know you mean well, that you try to protect your trainer at all costs – but creating a black hole (even a small one) is a bad move. Ya see, black holes have a near infinite density, with gravity so powerful that not even light can escape its surface. They devour matter like its nothing. Maybe you shouldn’t just be creating them two feet above the ground. Just a suggestion before you end all life on Earth.

5. Entei

(See Pokemon Stats)
Volcanoes erupt when it barks. Unable to restrain its extreme power, it races headlong around the land. (Gold)

Entei cannot speak any language other than Pokemon-ese (which, sadly, probably isn’t even understandable to fellow Pokemon, since each Pokemon can only say their respective name) – so let’s just assume any time it wants to vocalize anything, its a bark. That’s a lot of volcanoes erupting all the time – especially since its description isn’t limited to 1 volcano eruption per bark. If Entei ever hears a thunderstorm, it would probably drown the entire planet in lava. Well, at least exploding magma isn’t as hot as Macargoes.

4. Lugia

(See Pokemon Stats)
It sleeps in a deep-sea trench. If it flaps its wings, it is said to cause a 40-day storm. (Diamond)

Well, considering Lugia’s primarily way of getting around is “flying” – and the way it flies is by flapping its wings – Lugia’s causing years worth of storms pretty much every time it goes anywhere. The Pokemon world should be covered in an unceasing meteorological nightmare, all because one stupid legendary Pokemon can’t just sit still for its entire life.

3. Grimer

(See Pokemon Stats)
As it moves, it loses bits of its body from which new Grimer emerge. This worsens the stench around it. (Gold)

Grimers are infinitely self-replicating – which would be pretty nightmarishly-powerful on its own (additionally Muk, Grimer’s evolved form, vomits up Grimers) – but, for some reason, this also makes it smell worse and worse. Eventually, it should have untold numbers of asexually-produced children (who, in turn, are leaving behind their own untold number of asexually-produced children) AND an infinitely horrible stench around it.

2. Arceus

(See Pokemon Stats)
It is described in mythology as the Pokémon that shaped the universe with its 1,000 arms. (Diamond)

Hey, this Pokemon here? Of the same genetic family as a psychic mime and a sentient bag of garbage? It’s basically (literally) GOD. Also, it somehow has 1,000 arms, none of which can be seen. Maybe it got rid of them because it’s GOD and doesn’t need 1,000 arms because it apparently can get along just fine shaping the entire universe with a couple legs.

1. Ditto

(See Pokemon Stats)
It can transform into anything. When it sleeps, it changes into a stone to avoid being attacked. (Gold)

It has the ability to reconstitute its entire cellular structure to transform into whatever it sees. (Diamond)

Ditto is everything. Not only can it transform into any Pokemon – it can transform into anything it wants, organic and non-organic things alike. Any Pokemon on this list? Ditto can become them. It can become whatever kind of Pokemon theyr’e weak against. It can become – theoretically – anything that exists. The moon, the Earth, Arceus, etc.

An organized army of Dittoes could take over the planet if they wanted – so could a lot of Pokemon, I guess. But the difference is that Dittoes could do it without anyone ever noticing. It could replace your family and your friends without you realizing it. Eventually, a Ditto could replace you. They could replace us all.

Unless…they already have.